This topic is a little tough for me to write about because it’s something that is coming up lately in my own life.
Here’s the
deal, I still see setting boundaries as doing something to someone else – not
as caring for myself. And when I do try to view boundaries as caring for
myself, I feel selfish.
This is what
my brain knows to be true – each day is 24 hours long. And here is how I desire
to allocate my available time:
7 hours to sleep (striving for 8) to
recharge my brain rest and cells.
6 hours per day to passion (writing,
nature, friends, family, doing nothing).
7 hours to my work.
4 hours to various other self-care
necessities (exercise, financial business, health care, eating).
That makes
for a full day! Weekends I have a little more flexibility because there usually
isn’t 7 work hours of work! So that gets allocated to other types of fun.
What has
been happening for me lately, or rather what I’ve been allowing lately, is
certain parts of my time have been hijacked – because I handed over the
controls. I’ve been giving my attention to things that, frankly, aren’t my
concern.
It really
became clear to me as I was working with a client* recently who was struggling
with drama in the workplace. (How often we teach what we most need to know!)
Does this ever happen for you? There is drama happening all around you and
although you repeat the mantra “not my circus, not my monkeys” you keep getting
sucked into that energy? Perhaps initially tantalized by the excitement and fun
of it?
During a
coaching session with this client she was able to explore and actually see how
drama impacts us.
When we sync
with the energy of drama, it is highly distracting and quite frenetic for
ourselves and for those around us. It can also bring everyone else’s drama up a
notch. This is a very important piece to notice everywhere in life, but
especially in any place you desire to be a leader.
When we
don’t set boundaries, other people’s drama impacts our leadership and drains
our energy.
After this
session, we discussed how this applies to his workplace. He noticed how easily
he gets caught up in drama and how his energy rises up to match that chaos. His
goal is to be a confident, grounded leader. That is where he wants to anchor
his leadership style. Quickly he began to see how authentic, clear leadership
is about setting boundaries around drama, and staying rooted in what you know
is your mission, vision and goal for the future.
As we were
talking, I realized the parallel in my personal life these days (you spot it,
you got it). I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. What if they need me? Who
am I to set a boundary? What if I miss something exciting? When I buy into this
chaotic, dramatic energy I give away parts of myself – my authentic self.
Through this distraction I inadvertently waste precious time that I want to
allocate elsewhere. It distances me from the resources and behaviors that I
know keep me grounded, balanced, and focused on my mission and vision. In
essence, I ground my anchor in their story versus in mine.
I tell
clients all the time, boundaries are love. Boundaries are the tool with which
you teach others how you want to be treated. The session with my client showed
me what I needed to look at – which is why I love this work! So I’m revisiting
my stories around boundaries and implementing some simple tools to support me.
I’m
re-engaging the “do not disturb” button on my phone. I will choose to shut off
all technology and go to sleep at 10:00 p.m. I will schedule time for exercise.
I will be fully present with whoever I am with in the moment. I will use the metaphorical
“stop, pause, delete” button in my brain when my thoughts wander to concern or
worry about things that aren’t mine to engage with. And I am hauling up my
anchor and resetting it out ahead – where I’m going, not where I’ve been.
Who am I to
set boundaries? I am the leader in my life. I am the person who gets to choose
the energy I invite in and the way I allocate my time. I am the sole (soul)
caretaker of myself on this journey. I am the person who knows to put on my
oxygen mask first before assisting others.
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